So, it’s been a long time since I posted on this blog. My father passed on in 2014, the same weekend my cat got run over. Hmmm. The protagonist in these writings (other than myself) has shown up less frequently as the years have moved along but he’s still out there.
Since moving to my mothers house, with the intention of free rent and looking after her (I’m an only child after all, and she is getting on), he had also kept his own mothers abode as his permanent, at least on paper, address. We have kept a semi friendly connection but he finally took about 90% of the hint that it wasn’t a great idea to see much of me. He would text or call the odd time and want to have tea and a visit but when I did concede to a visit, it was always a little hard to get him to go home (like the last few years of our coupling). This would actually force me to be a little rude and he knew that made me uncomfortable but what else do you do when someone just refuses to read the room?
Fast forward October 2019. My girlfriend was in town for a visit from England and was staying with his mother. This girlfriend, Debbie, was the person who actually introduced me to him (Mark) in the first place. In 1981, when her and I lived together, she met Mark and they became a couple. She moved in with him at his mother’s acreage and his mother became like Debbie’s second mother. This relationship still stands, and through the years and the miles, Debbie and Bea (Marks mother) have remained close, like mother and daughter. Debbie and Mark remained friends as well, but mostly because of her relationship with his mother, so it wasn’t a close friendship. Long story short, she thought she would surprise Mark, so she invited me over and then called him to invite him (without him knowing I was there of course). He was pretty much over the moon to be with his “favourite girls” again, even though the visit was very casual and drama free. We caught up and it was ok. Talking with Deb over the phone a couple of days later, she told me that after I left he expressed how unfair it was that I got to walk around all “unburdened” about kicking him to the curb essentially, while he was still in pain over the breakup. In another post, I may go back and give you the sad details of his narcissism and abuse, along with my failure to see through my complete liberation of this relationship. It wasn’t all bad though, you know. It had to have good parts; enough to keep me seeing it through (plus fear of ending it altogether of course). That was the last time I saw him until…
He called me up in June to stop by for a visit and to collect something of his that was still at my house. Perhaps a couple of weeks prior to this, I had texted him with the news of the death of one of our mutual friends. During this text conversation, he let slip that he was only living at his mothers part time and the other time at his girlfriends farm. What? Oh hallelujah I thought, yaaaay someone else has him now and I don’t have to think about him still holding on to me!!!!
So, I got to meet the new gal in June when he brought her with him. A nice enough visit and, even though it did feel kind of weird seeing him with someone else after years of him clinging to ME, I felt quite good that it didn’t spark any feelings of jealousy or sadness of any kind within me. Plus, it was a bonus that he was living on a farm a good 3 hours away.
Of course, my unconscious mind was apparently still playing things out and letting me know that somewhere he still lived inside me, or parts of him did, or parts of me and him together. Not that I have renewed feelings for him, no. But I did have some dreams. I did have more thoughts of him. Not necessarily fantasy thoughts, more just like I felt his presence again. I thought about our life together, those 15 or more years. This has subsided, but his ghost IS still occupying a room or two. And he shows up in my dreams from time to time.
I am still single, and I feel good to be!